spidygirl_1

12:23 am: Destroyer of Self
There’s something soft and lovely against my skin,
I have to rip it off and expose my myself to discomfort.
The sun is comforting and warm,
I have to run into the cold shadows.
It’s as if some horrible sickness causes me to destroy happiness.
The rose is ripped apart in my hand, I only wanted to smell it.
Yet I destroyed beautiful enjoyment.
Pleasure will be cut away.
In the end I’ll kill it.
Sweet honey fills my mouth, but it comes off my tongue as poison.
This dysfunction is spilling out.
Murdering joy and peace.
Calm is a desperate search for my own survival.
Scrub this rot off my heart.
Chains lock my soul to angry hate.
I don’t want this anymore!
I need a new heart, to rid the black.
New eyes to dry the tears.
New ears to kill the shouts.
New lips to stop the venom.
A brand new self to escape the pain.
What will it take to mend my brokenness?
I want this sickness burned away.
I want the sun to drive away the chill in my veins.
I need freedom from my own insanity.

11:00 pm: Shredded Calm

My calm is but a wavering illusion. Destruction is always near. The cold bites my skin but cannot cool the heat from my anger. Anger that's always there. I just can't seem to rid myself of its grasp.

Dreams tangle in my senses latching on to hope, squeezing my heart. Dreaming reminds me of everything I'm not and everything I do not have. The sweetness of my dreams acts as a sick torment, poking fun at my reality. Love cannot be afforded but touching is seemingly free. The price is only my self worth, only truth and light. Afterward I'm left feeling worthless surrounded with the dark, coated in sickness and dishonesty. My body's temple abused along with my cold heart. The cold is spreading throughout me. Chilling my skin, seeping deeper into my core. Not quite numb. Pretending not to care. Giving in to the dark. Cold hands, cold hearts- both pleading to fill the emptiness. The void just increases. The emptiness is still there along with the dark. Anger and sorrow linger closer with each new beat.

I'm tired of giving myself away. I'm tired of breaking apart. I'm only left broken and lonely.

10:56 pm: Going, Going- Now dont forget me
My stomach a mess.
My nerves are on fire.
Terrified.
Hoping.
Faithless.
Going, going,
Almost gone.
Gone.
Reach out.
Reach empty.
Can't hold on.
No.
Oh no.
Oh shit.
It's here, it's now,
It's eating me alive with fear.
Be hopeful.
Trick myself to be happy.
Give me some freakin' pills.
Need a little faith.
A little dream.
A little goal.
Get in, get out.
Losing focus.
Losing everything.
Hold on, hold out.
It's not forever.
It almost feels that way.
Don't forget me.
Bye. 

10:55 pm: Drink, Cut.... Gone
Drink down my problems,
Cut out my pain.
A little more of both please.
A little sharper, a little more gone.
Close my eyes tighter.
Claw away, drink away, cut myself away.
Losing myself, losing my mind.
Insults slide sweetly across my tongue.
My tongue slides sweetly over your skin.
Let it cut you.
Let it hurt you.
Let me share my soul, let me share my hurt.
Another gulp.
Slipping nicely out of my mind.
A little more please, I want to be a little more gone.
Lets just forget.
Forget myself.
Forget you.
Forget every single one of you.
Solitude is gentle, loneliness is bitter.
lonely with you.
Hand me my blade, I need a hug.
Open my mouth, my venom will hurt you.

10:54 pm: Mind Games

The walls are dancing around me as if in a spell. Entrancing me, suffocating me. They grow bigger and brighter and I become less and less. Sick thoughts pumping through my head. Sick pleasure. My sick pain. I don't need a weapon, my mind commits the torture for me. Slash after slash, blow after blow, ripping through shields and lies. Evading truths lock me down. Silent screams coat the walls, silent pain coats my skin. The sun is warm and lovely but I taste the dark, in my mouth, my mind, erupting forth- taking over. Kick it back. Escape. I need to get out. Lose my self. Lose this sickness. The ache is in my stomach, in my heart. It's building up and growing stronger.  I'm growing weaker. Stuck. I'm going crazy. Run. I need the road to wash away my fears, my hurts. They'll blow into the wind finding me later. At least I'll have a few moments of precious peace. Then ripped down again. And again. Sick. Sick. Run. Fly. Escape. I always return. Making it better only makes it worse.  I don't know how to stop. Make it stop. Make me stop. Make this stop.

Consistently forgotten.  Venom constantly spins. Attacking friends and foes. Attacking me. Spin harder, dive deeper. Get away. Forget, forget myself. Forget everything. I don't care how. A pair of lips or a bottle. Maybe both.  Just get out. Can't run forever. It always comes back. I can never hide myself enough. Vulnerability lies close, just beneath the illusion of steel. I crumble just beneath the illusion of a smile. 

Razors in my mouth, on my fingertips, in my thoughts. Spreading fast. Hurting you, hurting me. Hurting me. Sunlight coats the night. Its sweet peace cannot contain the chaos. Beautiful freedom is hidden. Lost within my chains. Sickness covers everything I touch.

10:53 pm: Sweet Endless Dark
Watch my flesh break apart.
My heart break apart.
I don't need you.
I don't anything.
Anyone.
Go away.

Spit your venom somewhere else.
Mine is more deadly.
My sweet kiss will make you fall.
I will watch you fall.
Let me be.
Go away.

Lost.
Still here.
Where to go?
Black in my eyes, in my heart.
Pushing through the bleak rain pelting me.
It hurts to try.
It hurts to not.
My skin is on fire.
Let go.

My voice is hidden.
Expression through fingertips.
Let me feed you dark.
Truth is swallowed whole.
Covered and buried deep.
Keep it hidden.
Keep me hidden.
Bury my face, my spirit.

Sweet blood casting release.
Still trapped.
Still lost.
More pain.
More dark.
More silence.
More.
Light only covers darkness.

Smiles cover sickness.
You make me sick.
Make me hate.
Hate yourself.
Hate myself.
Hate every touch.
Peel back the bliss.
Drop the façade

This is me.
This is anger.
This endless.

10:51 pm: Borrowed Emotion
Like a selfish child, all my toys are scattered around me.
I have no use of them.
Empty.
Bored.

My emotions are missing.
Bland and tasteless.
Give me my blade, I'll cut them free.
Expression is drowning in a thick cover of gray.
The bleak muck is pulling me away.

Bring me back.
Dark.
It burns my mind, my skin, my heart.
I should stop reaching.
I'm only getting more lost.
Arms of cold breathe gray release over my body.
Pumping ice into my veins.

Let me go.
Free.
This prison has no bars.
Rip myself away.
An oppressive wall blocks me.
Defenses are slipping.
Nothing is ever enough.

No sweet touch.
No sweet word.
Press the life back into my head, my heart, my body.
Calling myself back.
No use.
Calling back my tears.
Give me my blade.

Broken. Missing. Gone.
Pretend to smile.
Pretend to care.
Pretend to live.

10:50 pm: Detachment
Skin is warm
Lips are hot.
My heart is cold.
Fiery touch, skimming over my body.
Ice in my veins.
You cannot melt my heart.
My eyes won't twinkle, my palms won't sweat.
Control.
Lock away my warmth.
Trust is gone.
I'll lie and smile.
Venom will slip from my tongue and I will sleep sweetly.
Dark.
Wipe away emotions.
They are only weakness.
I'll value your beauty.
It's only skin deep.
Shut your mouth.
Hide your heart.
I don't want it.
I don't need it.
Happiness is cold.
Love, a dream.
The night is thick and endless.
I'll shield my eyes from any light.

10:50 pm: Far Off Peace
Please, please just one sweet slice across my skin.
I need it.
I don't want to fight.
I'm falling.
I don't know why.
Turn off my thoughts, they hurt me so.
Be brave.
Weakness is creeping up.
Oh no.
Don't do this.
Not right now.
I'm slipping down.
Steady.
No tears.
Just blood.
Conceal the tears.
I'm weak.
Dark is carving itself into my skin.
Release it.
It holds me so tight.
So tight it's hard to breath.
Hard to see.
Hard to live.
Not good enough.
Not brave enough.
Not strong enough.
Never enough.
Nothing is ever enough.
Forever missing.
Wandering insane.
Peace far off.
So far I almost can't imagine it.

10:48 pm: No smiles, No frowns

Making myself sick.

Spitting fears, 'round, 'round my head.

A thick confusion coating calm.

An inky film surrounds my heart.

Freeze it over.

Make it dark.

Darker.

Numb.

Walking through the streets time passes by,

Moving on, spreading the empty layers.

Over and over my core.

You'll never find me.

Buried deep. Hidden well.

Losing myself to the world.

Losing to the black.

Breathing shallow, gliding slowly.

Careless, aimless.

Desires, scarred over.

So deep down I can't find them.

Purpose fading.

Useless breath.

Useless words.

Useless existing.

Fading steady, fading fast.

Falling, falling,

Endlessly,

Hopelessly.

No screams, no cries.

No explanations.

No worries.

No hopes.

No dreams.

Thoroughly broken.

Thoroughly drowning in bleak isolation.

Crawling farther in my mind.

Farther into solitude, farther into emptiness.

It's alright.

No worries remember?

Going, Going

When will I be gone?

Gone, far and deep.

Cool, composed.

Emotion frozen still inside.

It's not a smile, nor a frown.

The wind blows strong, the wind blows empty.

06:54 pm: Gliding Through Emptiness

Gliding Through Emptiness.

 

Carving hope through flesh. Silver kisses spreading secrets across my skin. The red marks my pain as well as my dreams. My lovely pain. Giving in to the black, the light is fading from my heart. I won’t bother watching it fade away. I’ll just turn my head and close my eyes and slide my silver kiss across again.

 

The searing void is melting away joy. It’s time to build my wall. Safe havens and prisons locking me tight. It costs to much to give myself away.

 

I want to believe. If only I knew how. Momentum is slipping. Smiles in my heart are ripping off the walls. I will buried myself within my sweet pain. Never letting go, never holding on. I won’t bother trying. I don’t want the tears to glide down my face. It makes it harder to ignore the pain I don’t control. The pain that only makes me crave more, my own.

 

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The vents are blowing strong, constantly renewing air. Bright lights are off, only the dim crimson glow marks the path. My tight, enclosed space keeping me safe, keeping me away. The blue curtains shutting out the world, a small shield against reality. It’s only me, and my words sliding down and out my fingertips. Thoughts blooming their way across a lilted screen.

 

My hair is crushed against my pillow as I close my eyes and tilt my head back. The cold is nipping at my skin. Holding firm as my mind is spinning, falling. Falling faster, harder. I stop screaming in my head, no use in fighting the confused layer of chaos growing thicker. I don’t understand why I’m this way. Belief and hope crumble slowly, constant. Rushing through my head, I can find no anchor to hold me down. Weak, I am pushed and carried through the bleeding dark. Embracing my coming doom, my failure is smeared over my soft flesh. The lingering sting acts as a quiet reminder of my pathetic reflection, so I may never forget I’m worthless.

 

More then blood is leaking. My very will is seeping through. So much is already gone, I don’t know how to maintain it. The bitter emptiness slowly digs and crawls passed flesh and bone- snaking its way to my core. My smothering spirit is crying out- forcing out small attempts of broken emotion. Maybe tomorrow’s sun will be able to soften the increasing ice growing stronger over my heart.

 

Then again maybe nothing can help and my self will leek on through leaving me blank, a hollow imitation of existing. A shell empty of dreams. A suffocating winter with no spring. Cutting away love and kisses. There’s just no balm to soothe my burning hope. The forgotten garden wilts away and dies.

10:47 pm: Floating Aspirations

Waves rocking me to sleep as the ship rolls through the sea

I tumble into chaotic dreams.

My curtain closed tight, locking me in.

I'm hiding away.

Spinning melodies inside my head, escape.

Bitter satisfaction.

Empty solitude.

Far away wishes spitting fire.

Casting hope.

 Breathing just to live, not to care.

A lazy dreamer.

A brilliant fool.

Slipping distance promises against my heart.

It beats for you.

My lips will remain cold.

I'll stay lost,

Until I have you.

You haunt my loneliness.

Hurt and heal my soul.

Love laced with needles.

I bury my soul deep.

Saving up my warmth.

Waiting for you.

06:00 am: Broken memories, Deeper Tomorrows
 The black is spewing forth coating my mind. It hurts to think, it hurts
to breath. The dark is racing, run faster, run farther. No escape. It's
no use. I'm slipping into the ooze. I don't understand. All light is
shattered. All love lost. Friends hated. Claw, reach. The sickness is
filling me up. It's temporary. Please don't let it stay. Dark, dark,
reaching inside the unknown. If it hurts maybe it will make it better.
Can't hide, can't stay. Must close my mouth tighter, smile deeper. Wisp
me away. Stab at the demeaning truth, fight back memories. I don't need
reality either.

The fog is creeping in. I'll wait it out. Choke me. Strangle. Shaking,
crumble- it doesn't help to shout. I can't wash away the pathetic stain.
Can't erase the mark. Swing harder. Hit, crack, kick. Take away my
thoughts. Take away your memory. I don't need them. Pain. The pain will
make it stop. Just a little more. I'll stop fighting. I won't resist.
Slip into my weakness. Hold the dark so close. Sweeping away. Where am
I? The sun is being blocked. The pretty dream is cracking. No. Stop. The
beauty is torn in my hands. It's what I do. Make me stop. Stop before it
matters! Stop before I care! One memory infects the rest.

Fly away. Carving wings from broken hope. The picture is not the same. A
little smarter, a little less insane- keep walking through the needles.
If it matters I won't stop. It does, I promise. Always and forever. Make
it count, I'll tie my evil hands. Scrub the black- it's getting in my
heart. I'm not giving up. Senseless with purpose- break away the chains.
I'll prove the shadows wrong. Inching forward, cascading shards mocking
aspirations, so what if almost nothing matters? What does is still
enough

09:37 pm: Falling Away, Running Apart

 

01:11 am: Consistently apologetic
I'm sorry.

Sorry I'm so selfish.
That I can be so weak.
My weakness smothers me.

I never meant for it to get out of hand. But here I am.
I should just escape into the cold dark.
Alone alone. Always alone.
Mouth tightly closed.
Eyes closed shut- trying to block out some evil, depressive force.
In vain, all in vain.
It's already here, it already has me.
I'm already lost.
Forever, constantly lost.
Constantly falling, slipping again and again beneath the coat of  sickness.
It rises up and swallows me.
Slipping out my mouth.
Releasing through my fingertips.

I'm sorry.
Consistently apologetic-
For every breath I take.
But still breathing.
Still moving.
Still sorry.
Still weak.

Still alone.
Safely. Always. Alone.
It's easy.
I'm sick.
It's meant to be.

The horizon is far away.
Unreachably distant.
The bed is soft and my needles sharp.
So I think I'll stay enclosed.
Wishing for sharp painful kisses.

07:22 pm: Prison of Solitude

Wrap the blanket up tighter, I’m still breathing. Push the pillow closer to my face; my muffled cries are still filling the air. Turn off all the lights- the shadows will keep me company. No one exists right now in my world but me. The dark is crawling up my feet, slipping close against my skin, close against my heart. Feel the sweet hurt pushing through my chest. No, make it go away. Pull the covers up higher, I still exist, I’m still here. What will it take for me to disappear?

The needles prick my fingertips, still offering no comfort. Gray, black, dark, cold- wash my skin. The tears come and go streaking down my face. They are always deep inside. They’re free to choke me. Trap them, conceal them deep within. The walls absorb the light drinking in and giving off the shady dark. My voice is torn. My cries creep through. The room is laughing, suffocating my spirit with my own dismay. Softly rocking, gulping down the hurt. Reality slices me over and over. Quiet, just my cries. Alone, the shadows hold me tight. My sight is altered. My will ill formed. Pathetic. Weak. My own skin makes me sick. A voice, I need a voice for the silence to break. Chains lock me tight, burning my heart. Just take my breath. Sleep is far. Nightmares real.

The voice is found, calls quietly. It stains my heart, cuts my flesh. Crashing, crashing. Insane, everything tumbles. Shatter. Fall. Lost. Crawling patiently. Light, light. Hope is deep within the sickness. Beauty nailed behind a mask of desolate shame. Claw, scratch, escape. Fight the shadows. Blinking back tears I open the door to let the light blind me. Contemplative

08:42 pm: Dangerous Hurt
 

The walls are closing in. I'm going crazy. Get out of head. No, please don't. Make the tears go away. Alone. Alone. It hurts to breathe. The tears are endless. My sickness great and all consuming. I will wait all night until you get on. I need to know how you're doing. I need to know what you're feeling. I can't do this. I'm so broken. Trapped, insane. No one can help me. NO one but you. You can help and hurt. I can't get your whispers out of my head, out of my heart. I want to know what you were feeling the other night. Was it as much as I was feeling? Help. Help me. I'm sorry that I'm so weak. I can't take this room. My thoughts. I can't handle to leave either. I have no strength to face another human being. 

Your voice will save me. Your voice will kill me. Your name pops up on the screen, I lose it. Come back, come back. Please talk to me. I will die to be alone so much. So you can't leave me alone just yet. You promised you wouldn't. Not yet. I'm sure you're not as crazy and lost as me. I want to be inside your head. I need your words, your voice, give me your thoughts so I may live through the night. My heart will burst without them. The black ooze will eat away at me until I'm gone. Maybe I'm already gone. No, I'll hold on just a little longer. A little more, then I'm doomed and gone. Alone. Alone. I'm too intense. I don't know how I got so broken. My apology will skim across your skin up into your ear and make them bled. Please don't be like everyone else. Don't forsake me. I can do this. I will try my absolute hardest to hold myself together. Just stay a little bit longer.

I trust your words, but you haven't seen me broken. Just please be gentle with me and I'll try to understand. I promise I won't hate you. Never. You've proven to me there is light. You gave me light. Once you're gone, once I'm gone, I will only have darkness. Maybe the future holds hope. Tell me I was worth it. I already know that I'm pathetic. Tell me I gave you something special, if only for a brief while. I wanted to give you something special so much; to ease the scars inside your head. I wanted my words, my hands to give you joy. The words you gave me, your beautiful touch I cherished. You don't understand how much they meant. How different you were from everything I've known.

I apologize; I don't want to scare you. I'm not myself right now. I'm riding on the edge. Chaos spitting in my face, the illness breathing down my neck. Weak. Weak. My weakness seeping through and taking over. I'm falling through the black. Falling hard and fast- needles will greet my fall. I'll try to muffle my crying as I hit the bottom, swallow down my grief. Mask the hideous sickness that will take over my face. Hide. Buried. Lost.

08:41 pm: Sharp Shadows
 

I'm hanging on by a thin invisible thread. It's slowly wearing down more and more. The darkness lurking just below haunts me. It wants me to remember the touch of it coating my heart, my mind, my soul. The light that flashed before my eyes has left me blind and defenseless. The shadows want me. Breathing slows as my eyelids flutter close. I can't give in. I won't be weak. The darkness never lasts. I want something beautiful, a shining hope.

Lost. Un-driven. My needles cannot save me. My blades cannot vanish the black seeping up into my body; drenching me in smooth disgust. The shadows are lapping at my heels, coaxing me to drop. "If it hurts to hold on then just fall." I want to. I want to give up and let go. Then the despair will cling and bite, scratch itself under my skin, clawing deep into my heart. My bitter, ugly, worthless heart. What good would it do to stain it deeper? A small, gentle whisper floats inside my head almost unheard due to the overwhelming sickness shouting threats. The whisper isn't getting louder, only disappearing, "Fight. Live. Never let go." It never gives a reason not to let go.

About the same time strength is thought up my illness swallows it whole tearing with sharp, forceful teeth. The dam is breaking, my insides spilling. I don't care! Not about holding on or letting go. I'll let the darkness take me; lap me up and tinge my skin, my heart, my head. It doesn't matter. Please turn your head as I fall apart. I'm giving up my heart. The whisper stops. The shouts take over.

08:40 pm: Broken Heartbeats
 

Reaching deep within the surreal heartbeats- reality clasps tight, tight around my heart, my throat. It's clawing behind my eyes. Then lips, glowing, burning- cracks the thick wall of black truth. Breaking, breaking- pushing more and more. The lips are near. A touch, skin is burning smooth. Clouds roam and cast a spell within my eyes. The truth is slipping free. The truth is cold, brittle. This is warmth. Cling. Reach. There is scratching behind my eyes. I won't let go yet.  Not yet. The cutting is in my heart. I'm not stopping. Let it cut. Let it rip. I'll dedicate my broken heart to you. The vaults unlock and everything that is safe and real will be swallowed up and ripped to shreds. The thoughts in cold, cold calm would break away and fall into my mouth, fall into my fingertips. Rushing, spilling the bleak sheet of gray. Holding my breath under the heavy pane of straight black marble. Heaving in my emotions- I've swallowed down the key. Bending bars, crashing walls- color spews into the keyboard.

The sickness is chained down, it will be ignored. Kicking back the steel. Kicking back memories. Cutting hearts through fingertips, the illness seeping in. Coating my insides. Coating my head. Fight it back. I'm here, I'm now. Sweet fire burns within a gaze. This isn't sickness. But this isn't real. Thrash the world. I can carry on broken. Some hurt makes you stronger. Sometimes it's worth offering your heart up on display, cased within a shell of feeble broken shards.

08:39 pm: Bleak Isolation
 The weekend is almost over but I'm not ready to meet the world. I want to remain hidden within my dark isolated shelter with the drapes drawn tightly, blocking out the sun. I like it alone because no one can see me. No one can judge me. My condition is my own without their concern. I want to melt into the bed sheets caressing the shadows, hiding from the light, avoiding my own reflection. Avoiding absolutely everything beyond that door. That door protects me, it straggles me. My safe haven and my prison. The door and drapes cannot protect me from myself. Alone. The word is like bitter chocolate. Just one more bite. Then another, until I've feasted so much on it I want to throw it across the room. Smash the word against the wall and watch the broken pieces tumble down and bury within the fibers of the carpet. I'm hoping the more I greet the shadows the more I'll fade away from myself. But I'm still here, the empty dark can't coax me against reality.

My will is slipping through my fingers, I've stopped fighting to maintain it, to keep it. I don't care. Caring hurts, so why should I bother? There's no point in illusions. The smile isn't real. Just like gray across my heart. It's just another lie, a façade covering the rotten flesh. Don't breathe it in, it will only make you sick. Close your eyes the colors are running and mixing- turning gray and brown. Bleakness is pushing at my veins, trying to get beneath my skin, creeping towards my heart. It wants to suffocate my feelings. I'm drowning in the night, waves of cold numb my being. The shadows are clasping onto my lips crawling  inside my mouth swallowing down any cry my body releases. Silence. Alone. The words are strong. They cannot be broken, crushed, or swallowed. They're scratched into me, all of me, my skin, my mind, my heart- just like ink seeping into the paper. Mending into one.